I am enough. I am worthy. I am fiercely forgiving. I am evolving. I am abundance. I am resilient. I am learning. I am loved. I am love.
I created my dream board, above, on this previous spring break between the Consciousness courses. It is a promise to Shenny, to love myself right where I am. That I am whole right now, and I am also still in the process of uncovering parts of myself that I am working on bringing my loving awareness into.
" I would like my life to be a statement of love and compassion - - and where it isn't, that's where my work lies.” - Ram Dass
Consciousness I: Lineage Presentation Artifact
Narrative
Mine and Ruthanne's process through this quarter was centered around our lineage presentation over Numerology. We both had a felt sense connection with our spirit guides and angels through synchronistic numbers we would see. We would message each other what these numbers felt like, or what messages we received. Allowing whatever we intuitively felt to flow through us. Ruthanne and I formed a close bond over this quarter and we would check-in with each other multiple times a week, in order to reflect with one another about the material that was coming up for us. Through the reading material and being with the shadow work that came into our conscious awareness, we supported each other with an unconditional regard. I felt so much love this quarter, while I was present with my inner child wounds and unhealthy attachments. This taught me to bring more grace and gentleness to these parts of me that have walked through some really challenging and hurtful experiences. A huge breakthrough for me was in allowing myself to step into a new level of vulnerability and being seen by others. This is what I took with me to continue working on in Consciousness II.
Consciousness II: Light Figure Presentation Artifact
Narrative
My light figure through this course was Mary Magdalene. This felt like an integration process of calling back my inner children that didn't feel seen or heard while I was a part of the Catholic religion. I had rejected these religious beliefs through my undergrad experience, and for a while I felt triggered by folks who practiced a Christian faith. I would assume that I was going to be judged, or be talked into believing in the same way they did. Through my time at Southwestern I worked on healing these parts of myself that felt rejected. It was a calling back home and acknowledging the lessons that I walked through. That this religion for me as a young person, gave me a sense of deep faith. I was reclaiming this faith and hope that is so sacred to me, and how I connect with the Divine.
I noticed throughout this quarter how my vulnerability triggers my inner judge. So I walked through reparenting those parts of myself that want to feel seen, and soothing the wounds that built up a Judge in order to keep myself safe at those moments in time. It was a deep release and an honoring that I witnessed through this process. This is still an ongoing practice, as my inner critic still gets triggered at times. Now I know that this part of myself is only trying to keep me safe, and it is in my inner work that I can continue to heal. By accessing my breath, noticing and attuning to my body, I am able to feel the pain I have pushed away and bring healing into these caverns within me.
Reflection
There was so much rich awareness that arose within me over these courses. It felt uncomfortable, unknown, and challenged my ego and limiting beliefs in many ways. It also opened me up to a deeper and more expansive capacity to love myself, and thus love others. It is when I allow this love within me to have its way with me, that I find solace in surrender. I am able to let go of what I thought I knew and receive that which my soul is bringing forth to remember. Although I have moments where I want to take a long pause on this human existence, it is in these realizations that I feel deep gratitude and reverence for the journey that I am on. For I am never alone on this cosmic adventure back home.
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